


Kimi wo mitsuketa monster (The monster's found you)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Altered Mental States, Confusion, Love, M/M, Murder, Rape, Revenge, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-12
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-06-09 08:07:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15263082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: His hands on you. His breath against your back.That voice so soothing, that whisper that makes you feel good, as if you were home.Then the pain.It’s excruciating, but you bear it.You bear it, because you know it’s how it had to be, you bear it because he doesn’t want to hurt you.But it’s necessary.





	Kimi wo mitsuketa monster (The monster's found you)

_His hands on you. His breath against your back._

_That voice so soothing, that whisper that makes you feel good, as if you were home._

_Then the pain._

_It’s excruciating, but you bear it._

_You bear it, because you know it’s how it had to be, you bear it because he doesn’t want to hurt you._

_But it’s necessary._

_He caresses your hair, tenderly._

_He says it’s going to pass, he dries your tears._

_Until you can't feel nothing anymore, and then you see him smile, and you’re happy._

_That smile is all you want to see, because he takes care of you, and make him smile is all you can do for him in exchange._

_“I love you, Kei.” he murmurs, and your heart skips a beat._

_You love him too._

_You always do. Even when it hurts._

Yabu had waited.

It didn’t matter, he loved Kei and he would've waited forever, had it been necessary.

That night, anyway, he felt he had reached his limit.

Kei was beautiful.

His scent inebriated him, the feeling of having him so close was too much to bear.

They were laying in his bed; Yabu was kissing him, but he always had that weird feeling telling him he wasn’t as involved as him.

They had been together four months now, and it had always seemed like Kei was happy when he was with him, but that the happiness faded whenever their contacts became more intimate, whenever they were too close, whenever he tried to take a step forward and he got constantly rejected.

Kei was never too straightforward.

When the elder’s hands moved under his shirt, when his mouth became more invasive, he froze and bit his lip, and Yabu pulled away sighing.

It had been like that for weeks, and Kota had never dared asking what was stopping him.

That night, he had decided he wanted to take this further, that he wanted to be with Kei, and that he was going to accept his rejection if it would've come with a justification.

He couldn’t take his silence anymore.

He tried again; his hands went down the younger’s chest, slowly, as if he didn’t want to scare him.

But it was just when he moved his mouth to his neck that Kei brought his hands to his shoulder, softly pushing him away.

Yabu sighed, but this time he wasn’t going to play his game.

“What’s wrong, Kei?” he asked, frowning. “We’ve been together for months now, and...” he brushed his hands over his face, exasperated. “Why don’t you want me to touch you?” he asked then, murmuring.

The younger shrugged. He brought his knees to his chest and hid his face between his legs, thoughtful.

“It’s not that I don’t want to, Ko... but I can't.” he explained, as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

Yabu opened his eyes wide, understanding even less.

“What does it mean you can't?” he asked, biting his tongue for how harsh his voice sounded.

Kei winced, averting his eyes from him.

“You can't touch me.” he said, in a far less accommodating way.

Kota wished he could've overlooked that. Pretend he hadn't said anything and shift the subject as if nothing had happened.

He didn’t understand what he was saying, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t touch him.

But the look on the other’s face made him waver.

It was... lost, more than usual. Is if all of that had a logic that Kota just couldn’t grasp.

In the end curiosity got the best of that instinct telling him to let it go.

He got close to him again, softly taking his chin and letting him raise his head until the younger was forced to look at him.

“Why can't I touch you, Kei? I'm your boyfriend, am I not?” he murmured, smiling as if something told him that otherwise he would've scared him.

“Because he’d get mad. He wasn’t happy when you and I got together. I can't let you touch me.” he said, shrugging.

And Yabu wanted to pretend he hadn't heard.

He wanted to bring his hands over his ears, not being forced to listen any further.

He wanted to keep hoping he had misunderstood the meaning of his words, because perhaps he was making it worse than it actually was.

“Who would, Kei-chan?” he asked, whispering.

“Dai-chan.”

A smile, saying that name. A happiness so intense, which Kota had rarely seen in his eyes.

He sighed deeply, gathering the courage to ask the next question.

“What does Dai-chan have to do with this?”

 

_The first time you didn’t understand what was going on._

_And perhaps, you don’t even now._

_But he loves you, he always says that to you, so you don’t care what he does, you’re happy to comply._

_You don’t like the feeling, but you clench your teeth and carry on._

_You don’t like when you feel your clothes slipping off of you, you’re cold, but you don’t have the courage to tell him that._

_You don’t like it when he starts touching you, because it never quite feels right._

_But he soothes you, he tells you it’s normal._

_And he says he loves you again, that you’re special, and again and again and again._

_So you keep quiet, because you like it when he does that._

_You can't hold back a scream when he thrusts inside of you, but he doesn’t get mad._

_He never gets mad at you._

_He loves you, no matter what._

_The only thing you have to do is remember you belong to him._

“Only Dai-chan can touch me.” Kei replied, arching an eyebrow.

Yabu stared at him, trying to keep his breath in check.

As much as he wanted to deny it, somehow he got the meaning of those words.

He saw the look on Kei’s face, always lost in his own world, and he imagined it.

He imagined things he wished he didn’t  have to see.

He imagined how easy it was to get close to him, to convince him something was right, convince him it was how things were supposed to be.

He tried to breathe evenly, failing to do so.

“How... how does he touch you, Kei-chan?” he asked then, cautious, and he held his breath, hoping to see him laugh and then give him an explanation to ease his anxiety, something telling him that what he had been thinking up until now was just a trick of his mind.

It didn’t happen.

Kei kept quiet, blushing.

His eyes got sad, and Kota felt miserable.

Somehow he must’ve known there was nothing normal about it.

He must’ve felt uncomfortable, he must’ve felt that what Daiki did was wrong.

But there was that veil of thoughts instilled in him, unhealthy.

Kei wasn’t an idiot, and if he hadn't realized on his own that what was happening to him was rotten, then there was something about what Daiki had told him.

“Kei... you can talk to me. I'm your boyfriend, and I love you. You do know that, don’t you?” he insisted, trying to use the sweetest voice possible, to make him feel comfortable.

“He gets in bed with me.” the younger said, frowning, as if he truly didn’t understand the reason behind those questions.

Yabu felt he could've panicked any moment, but he tried to keep it together.

It wasn’t going to do either of them any good if he would've lost it.

“What does he do when he’s in bed with you, Kei?” he asked, feeling his heart shrinking, because of course he knew the answer.

“He touches me. And he says he loves me, that I'm everything to him, that I'm special. That no one’s ever going to love me like he does.” Kei said, his eyes dreamy again, as if the mere thought of what the other told him was enough to make him happy.

Yabu clenched his fists, digging his fingernails in his palms, trying to refrain from reacting.

He got even closer to Kei, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and pressing his forehead against the younger’s.

“I'm here Kei, am I not? I'm the one who loves you, I'm the one next to you. To me, you’re special too.” he said, forcing a smile. “What... what else does he do?” he murmured then, involuntarily tightening his hand on the younger’s shoulder.

Kei seemed to panic; he pulled away from his hold, taking his face in his hands and whining.

“I can't, Ko. I can't say, he... he’s going to get mad at me again. He doesn’t want me to tell, he doesn’t want me to be touched by someone else, he... it’s going to be like when I told him about us. He’s gonna get mad, he’s gonna hurt me again, Ko.” he said in a rush, confusedly, then the other stopped him, taking his face in his hands and forcing him to look him in the eyes.

“Kei!” he said, his voice louder now. “Kei, don’t worry. He can't do anything to you. I'm here, I’ll protect you. He won't hurt you anymore, he can't do anything as long as I'm here.” he went on, biting down on his tongue hard.

He saw it clearly.

He saw Daiki in bed with Kei, _his_ Kei, he saw him undress him, touch him, rape him.

Talk to him with that sweet and tender voice, telling him he loved him, that he was the only one who could understand him, that there was no one else.

He saw it, and all he wanted was to erase that smug look from Daiki’s face, to erase _his_ face, because he didn’t deserve to exist, not after what he had done to Kei.

“But I love him, Ko. Daiki has always protected me. Daiki’s always done everything for me. He cares about me.” the younger insisted, and Kota sighed.

He was going to eradicate Arioka Daiki’s presence from Kei’s mind.

It didn’t matter how, but he was going to.

He love him, and he wasn’t going to allow anyone else to get close to him, he wasn’t going to let anyone hurt him, even though Kei didn’t realize that.

He was going to erase Daiki’s existence, because it was the right thing to do.

 

_“I thought I was enough for you.” he tells you, and you don’t like the look on his face._

_He’s mad, and after all you knew he was going to be._

_“But... but I'm happy with Ko. It doesn’t mean anything, I didn’t let him do anything to me, Dai-chan.” you explain to him, hoping he’s going to understand._

_You like Kota. You like being with him, it makes you feel happy as you’ve never thought you could be._

_But you don’t like it if it makes Daiki unhappy, right?_

_You can't make a decision, you never could._

_“Why should I believe you? You had said I would've been the only one being with you, and apparently I'm not. I bet you’ve let him touch you, Kei.  I bet you’ve allowed him into this bed where we are now, I bet you let him fuck you.” he says, and you cry, because what he’s saying makes no sense._

_He’s always told you he was the only one who could've been with you like that, and that’s how it had been._

_You’ve spent weeks rejecting Yabu, never letting him have that part of you which is due only to the man in front of you, the one who cares about you._

_And now you wish he’d believe you, but he can't._

_He throws you on the bed, he tears your clothes off._

_All his tenderness, his care, his gentleness... there’s no trace of it._

_He’s mad, and you know you deserve it._

_You don’t even try to push him away when he spreads your legs and thrusts inside of you._

_It’s an excruciating pain, but you try not to scream, knowing it would only get him madder._

_You bear it._

_You wonder where’s the sweet Daiki, the one whispering in your ear that everything was going to be alright, that the pain was going to go away, and that now seems to relish your pain._

_You bear it, while you feel him push deeper, while you feel every molecule of his body on you, becoming heavier, hurting you even more._

_When it’s over you feel used. Humiliated, without dignity._

_And you know that’s your punishment._

_“I'm sorry, Kei. But you know I had to, don’t you?” he asks, and all you can do is nod._

_You can restrain yourself from crying, and as usual he’s there soothing you, as if he hadn't been the one causing that pain._

_Because that’s it, after all._

_He’s always there._

~

 

“Kota... I want Dai-chan.” Kei said, childishly stubborn.

And Yabu had to struggle with himself, he had to repeat to himself that he wasn’t a child, that he was old enough to deal with reality.

Because sooner or later he was going to have to, whether he liked it or not.

“You can't, Kei. You know you can't.” he explained for what felt like the thousandth time. “I'm here with you, not him.” he added, his voice tender but firm.

He wanted to protect him, no matter how.

It hurt him to think that Arioka’s presence was so rooted in him that he couldn’t tell love from violence, but he bore with it.

He was going to stand anything for Kei, even that horribly sad look on his face because Daiki wasn’t there with him.

“But I miss him. I need him, he told me he was going to protect me, that he was going to be by my side. He _promised_ , Ko. Where is he? He wouldn’t break a promise made to me, he loves me. Is he mad because I told you what he had asked me not to? Is he mad at me?” he kept ranting, his voice more and more confused.

Kota’s pain matched his, and being unable to show it to him made him only feel worse.

It had been a week since Kei had talked to him.

It felt like an eternity, and the fact that he was still there, his eyes watery, looking for Daiki, was the worst thing Yabu would've expected.

“You can't, Kei-chan. Daiki can't be with you. I told you, he’s not mad at you, don’t worry. He... he just left.” he said, vaguely impatient.

Inoo opened his eyes wide, his innocence almost annoying.

“But I want him next to me.” he murmured, deaf to the elder’s words.

“You can't, Kei. Daiki’s dead.” Yabu hissed, with all the anger he had hidden inside himself these past few days.

It hadn't been hard, not too much at least.

Arioka and him were around the same people, they went to the same places.

The next day he had looked at him and had had to fight against himself to avoid jumping at his throat the moment he had seen him.

He could've, of course.

He didn’t care about his own faith, after all, he just didn’t want Kei to be left alone.

He was going to protect him, he had sworn to that.

He was going to do that, no matter the cost.

It hadn't been hard to drug him.

It hadn't been hard to pretend he knew nothing at all when they had found his dead body the next day.

It hadn't been hard to cry that death.

The hard part for him was now, facing Kei’s pain, so intense it was suffocating.

“Why did he die, Ko?” the younger asked, while tears started streaming down his face.

Yabu arched an eyebrow.

“He was hurting you, wasn’t he Kei? He was hurting you, and he died.” he said, expecting him to reply.

But Kei didn’t, and he relished that silence.

He hugged him tight, hoping he was going to hug him back.

But it didn’t happen. The more he looked at him, the more Kei seemed to be empty.

But he was going to be patient, he was going to wait his whole life, until the younger would've realized Kota could fill that emptiness.

When he was going to learn the meaning of that love that up until now had been denied to him.

 

_You’re not an idiot, Kei._

_You’ve lied to yourself for days, saying that soon that door was going to open and that Daiki was going to come back to you, telling you he was sorry to have left you alone, to have abandoned you._

_But you know._

_You’ve heard the screaming, you’ve seen the tears on your friends’ faces, you’ve seen the police, they have questioned you and you didn’t know what to say, because you still didn’t want to admit what had happened._

_Because Daiki’s dead, Kei._

_And you know it’s been no accident, you know it wasn’t a fatality, because he’s promised you that he was never going to leave you, and you’ve always believed his promises._

_You know he was taken away from you._

_You know who’s the monster who did this._

_Who wanted to let you believe Daiki was the monster, who whispered that in your ear believing you were asleep, who felt so much anger for his existence, that hunger which has hurt you, thinking one could hate a man who’s always thought you were special._

_The only person who’s ever truly seen you and, all in all, has always been right._

_You look at Yabu._

_He sleeps next to you, serene._

_The look on his face makes you sick._

_You grab the pillow as if your hands were guided by someone else, but that doesn’t matter._

_Yabu’s taken everything away from you, all you’ve even known, all that has always made you believe there was a place for you in this world, even when you’ve felt put aside, as if no one could possibly understand you._

_You press the pillow on his face, suffocating his arrogance, his hatred, his anger, the stupid pretension of being able to love you like Daiki has loved you._

_Kota writhes._

_But shortly, as if life was ready to leave him in the first place._

_When he stops moving you pull back and lay next to him, turning your back on him._

_You close your eyes and smile._

_You let your mind roam free and, even though the feeling is too blurred to be reality, you think you can feel Daiki’s arms around you._

_You can feel his love._


End file.
